Only read this if you want freedom.

There are days when the struggle is real. 

So real, you don't even need to see the warfare around you with your physical eyes, because you feel it in your soul in a way much more tangible than sight. 

We don't have to see something to make it real. 

In fact, the Bible teaches that what we don't see is actually much more real than what we do.

2 Corinthians 4:18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

The last few days, my battle was fierce - to the point of literal, physical exhaustion. The urge and temptation to pick back up something I'd (repeatedly) already laid at the altar of Christ was almost unbearable. I had no peace. No joy. No contentment. Determined to obey, yet not sure how much longer my flesh could resist.

I was terrified of losing. 

My days were nonstop, constant battles. I would get away with God, regroup, and be steady for about 30 minutes. Then it would "wear off" and I'd have to do it all again. In my battle, I kept trying to justify the decision/action I so wanted to take, because I felt like that was the only answer to my unrest. I thought it the only cure for what ailed me, yet God wouldn't give me the freedom and permission to do it. It seemed lose-lose. I couldn't figure out why I had this desire to take an action so strongly if it wasn't the right thing to do. 

I was Jacob, wrestling, wrestling, wrestling. And I couldn't help but picture the unseen world around me - the battle, the angels holding their breath. What would I do?

I believe that, by the way. Not because I'm so important. But because we all are. We're all a part of this story, this grander scheme, this larger stage, of life unfolding around us. Your part, my part, matters. And these battles matter more than we will ever be able to fully realize on this realm. 

Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to obey, but that wasn't working either. I just needed something to hold onto. I felt like the proverbial butterfingers - my grasp slipping and sliding off everything I so eagerly, desperately, longed to hold tight. 

I was Job, questioning, confused, begging - until God finally spoke, and when He did, everything else went silent. And I was left with one clear, vivid image. 

Lot's wife. 

(If you aren't familiar with Genesis 9 and the story of Lot's wife, read it here before continuing)

God made it clear to me that if I took this action, an action that on the surface seemed harmless enough, in an effort to give myself rest, to quiet the questions in my heart...if I took that step, it was the equivalent of me looking backward. Looking backward at the past, looking backward at sin, and it would do nothing but paralyze me into a pillar. My forward progress would be hindered, frozen, turned to stone. Rendered still. 

I finally got it. I didn't want to lose momentum. If I am fleeing from a certain direction, why would I turn and look backward? That's when one trips, stumbles, and falls. Then when you  do inevitably get up and keep going, you're limping. Bruised. Bleeding. It just makes the right path even harder to navigate. 

So instead of giving me permission to take a backward action step that God knew would hinder me and paralyze me, He instead pressed it on my heart to take action in another way - a way that essentially served as a giant step forward. Only God. He took my urge to backtrack and transformed it into a way to get me even FURTHER along in the right direction. 

But it was a step I've never been able to do before. A step of faith and surrender that before, when prompted to take, I couldn't even fathom. I justified my way out of it, made excuses to avoid it, and reasoned it not logical. 

Until Sunday morning, God reminded me that partial obedience is still disobedience. And if I wanted freedom - true freedom, and peace - I had no other choice. The choice was mine. But I had to make it. Once again, He laid before me life and death, and asked me to choose life. 

Despite knowing exactly what I needed to do, I asked for confirmation in church. Five seconds after praying that request, my pastor (who hadn't even started preaching yet) randomly said in his greeting "There's things today that need to be surrendered and laid down at the foot of the cross". 

Ha. Okay, Lord. Loud and clear. 

During the sermon, which was mostly in Galatians 6, I looked down at my Bible and this verse in Galatians 5 leaped off the page at me. (I don't mean in expression or cliche, but literally, when I glanced down, it was as if this verge was raised above the others in black and white)  You were running well. Who hindered you from obeying the truth? This persuasion is not from him who calls you.

Okay, Lord. Got it. 

Nope. He wasn't done.

For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.

(Apparently, the moral of the story is, be careful what you pray for! ::grin::)

During the altar call, I prayed with a soul-sister of mine who knows my story, and she told me today I would march in victory. So that afternoon, I marched myself to another soul-sister's house and with her support, took the step I had to take for freedom. 

It was pretty anti-climatic. There wasn't confetti. Or balloons. But there was a sigh of relief from my spirit. No more wrestling. No more questioning. Peace. 

And there was this, bubbling from my heart. 

A wounded soul,

A sinner worn

Temptation's reach

Weary and torn

And all of heaven held it's breath

Fighting despair

Gasping hope

Temptation's reach

Fraying rope

And all of heaven held it's breath

Broken shards

Shattered dreams

Temptation's reach

Nothing as it seems

And all of heaven held it's breath

Nail-scarred warrior

Burning light

Temptation's reach

Out of sight

And all of heaven held it's breath

One war fought

One victory won

Temptation's reach

Vanquished by the Son

And all of heaven released it's breath