So I'm getting real today, like, all-but-naked-soul real. Bear with me. (Bare with me? haha. Sorry. Couldn't resist)
The last few days have been rough. One of those times where you catch yourself praying "Jesus. I know you're there, I know you care, and I know you're enough. But I need you to show me. Prove it. Give me something. I NEED YOU." And then you feel embarrassed guilty over your own neediness. Even though you KNOW God never tires of that...you still feel and embrace the lie.
Rinse and repeat.
So today I prayed. Asked. Needed. Waited.
Had a pretty good day, started a little rough, and fought back some anxiety with Scripture. Did my thing. But wasn't FEELING it. Was going through the motions of doing what I knew was right and what needed to be done out of obedience, and to be honest, a bit of desperation. But my feelings never caught up.
I had an appointment at 11, so on my way back to work, I grabbed Sonic and was munching in the car on the way. Listening to KLOVE Christian radio and chewing and trying to remember not to speed through that particular part of downtown again so I didn't get pulled over (again. ahem)
And it hit me.
Mid bite of cheddar pepper, with zero "reason" or trigger...it hit me. The Holy Spirit. Right there, in me, in the car, so palpable I would have experienced zero shock had I actually seen a glowing figure sitting in the seat next to me, holding my greasy Sonic bag with a "Told ya I'd show up!" grin.
I finally felt it. Felt Him. Had the blessing of my feelings catching up to my heart and mind and everything matching for a few glorious moments.
He was worth the wait.
I somehow managed to keep driving while my spirit soured and I thanked God for coming for me. Truly, all I could do was offer Jesus my last cheddar pepper through delirious "I love you" tears. There was nothing to set that off but the love of Christ for me. That was impossible for me to conjur on my own or even hope for. It was all Him.
I could BREATHE.
I tell you this crazy story not in the hopes that you'll get totally weirded out and stop reading my blog, but to get totally real and offer the hope that Jesus will come for you too. His Word promises when we seek Him, we'll find Him. And that He reveals Himself to us. It's just in His way and His time.
I never would have thought to pray earlier that morning "God, I really need something from you, a touch, a gesture, a confirmation for my bleeding heart, so can you please invade my spirit and share cheddar peppers with me at 12:30 today?" Never crossed my mind.
Didn't need to. It crossed His.
If you feel ignored, abandoned or forgotten by Jesus today...please give Him a chance to wow you. In your own way, in His own way. Just seek His face, obey regardless of the feelings attached, and wait on Him. Believe He has good things for you and wants to share His presence and peace with you in the midst of your trial and storm.
Ask. Seek. Obey. Trust. Wait.
And maybe you'll get cheesecake ;)